40

Have you ever watched a documentary on ancient peoples or read the bible or something and wondered "I wonder if these people found farting as funny as I do"?

39

I think for Christmas i am going to give this girl a Silvia Plath novel and a good length of hemp rope. If all goes according to plan, its like a gift for everyone.

38

I was the secretary of state and they asked me if I would like to be an organ donor. I said 'no', they asked 'why not?'. I replied 'what if I come back as a vampire and I don't have any eyes? What the fuck am I to do then?' I wore the serious face the whole time.

37

So, my niece was messing around. I told her the red button on the car keys would make the car explode. She pushes it and the car alarm goes off. I don't get why everyone is mad at *me*.

36

I don't get why everyone says Sarah Palin is dumb. I think people have a hard time believing an attractive woman is smart. Women don't have to look like Hillary Clinton to be intelligent.

35

A special one from my Dad while eating chips and dip:
"No, you're going to poor that dip on your plate. We're not trying to conceive children with each other so there is no reason for us to exchange body fluids"

34

The other day I was at my step grand mother's house. My step mother's lesbian cousin walked into the room bragging about her new hiking boots. It took all of my self control not to point and laugh.