40

Have you ever watched a documentary on ancient peoples or read the bible or something and wondered "I wonder if these people found farting as funny as I do"?

39

I think for Christmas i am going to give this girl a Silvia Plath novel and a good length of hemp rope. If all goes according to plan, its like a gift for everyone.

38

I was the secretary of state and they asked me if I would like to be an organ donor. I said 'no', they asked 'why not?'. I replied 'what if I come back as a vampire and I don't have any eyes? What the fuck am I to do then?' I wore the serious face the whole time.

37

So, my niece was messing around. I told her the red button on the car keys would make the car explode. She pushes it and the car alarm goes off. I don't get why everyone is mad at *me*.

36

I don't get why everyone says Sarah Palin is dumb. I think people have a hard time believing an attractive woman is smart. Women don't have to look like Hillary Clinton to be intelligent.

35

A special one from my Dad while eating chips and dip:
"No, you're going to poor that dip on your plate. We're not trying to conceive children with each other so there is no reason for us to exchange body fluids"