40

Have you ever watched a documentary on ancient peoples or read the bible or something and wondered "I wonder if these people found farting as funny as I do"?

39

I think for Christmas i am going to give this girl a Silvia Plath novel and a good length of hemp rope. If all goes according to plan, its like a gift for everyone.

38

I was the secretary of state and they asked me if I would like to be an organ donor. I said 'no', they asked 'why not?'. I replied 'what if I come back as a vampire and I don't have any eyes? What the fuck am I to do then?' I wore the serious face the whole time.

37

So, my niece was messing around. I told her the red button on the car keys would make the car explode. She pushes it and the car alarm goes off. I don't get why everyone is mad at *me*.

36

I don't get why everyone says Sarah Palin is dumb. I think people have a hard time believing an attractive woman is smart. Women don't have to look like Hillary Clinton to be intelligent.

35

A special one from my Dad while eating chips and dip:
"No, you're going to poor that dip on your plate. We're not trying to conceive children with each other so there is no reason for us to exchange body fluids"

34

The other day I was at my step grand mother's house. My step mother's lesbian cousin walked into the room bragging about her new hiking boots. It took all of my self control not to point and laugh.

33

I just woke up this morning and went outside for a smoke. I saw someone walking a dog and noticed how awesome that dog's coloration was. My first thought was 'that thing would make an awesome coat'.

32

I knew I was drunk when I put my beer to my mouth and missed.

31

I just picked my nose and wiped it on the ceiling. Being tall has its advantages.

30

Jahaha! I just put a girl in the friend zone! Score one for gender equality!

29

I told a girl on my Facebook that my anus was bleeding and she isn't talking to me anymore. I don't understand people some times.

A good example of folk metal:


Seriously. Shoot a deuce to this album if you want to feel like a champion.

28

Life is like a game of D&D.... and you rolled all 3s

27

If I go on an airline and they try to search me, I am going to talk dirty to them the whole time.

Is anyone else playing the gen 4 Pokemon games on DS? I am loving them. First time playing a Pokemon game since silver.

26

Is it just me or is pooping in a toilet that someone just cleaned very satisfying?

25

Today I saw a dog sniffing its own ass and then it farted. I felt obligated to pet it for being so awesome.

24

I am tempted to get a diamond genital piercing. I could say "Zip zip, bling bling". I am certain I would find that hilarious when wasted.

A question about writing

I have all these weird scenarios and characters in my head and I want to write them into novels and short stories, but I am not sure where to start. Do you guys have any advice?

23

Propositioning a female friend of mine: "I have inverted nipples. You have regular nipples. Lets put your nipples in my nipples and make children."

22

Sorry for abandoning this for a it. New Vegas came out, I got a DS and I had 3 midterms and two projects I had to do. Anyway, I said this in conversation to a friend without thinking:

'We should glue our foreskins together. Then I can be like "Sup, this is my twin brother Lance. We are from Siam"'

21

I am listening to folk metal while doing homework. System analysis has never felt so heroic.

20

Sorry I have been away for a while... I have been real busy with midterms and New Vegas.

Jahaha! I put a girl in the friend zone! Score one for gender equality!

19

I was watching the news on mute, when they showed the white house "Secret Door" and then faded to a video of Barack Obama at a table talking with Nancy Pelosi and a few others. When that happened, in my head I heard the old Superfriends announcer "Meanwhile at the Legion of Doom".

I figured out the adobe question, BTW. Reverse pages and play with the booklet printing option. Front only, flip paper (or not, depending on your printer) then do back only.

18 (late post again)

I ate a chocolate bar with my left hand then went to the bathroom. I wiped with my right hand and noticed the brown stains on my left hand. I got very confused.


On an unrelated note: Does anyone know of a way to make Adobe reader print every other page, so that I can refeed the paper the other way and get a decent book?

17

I wonder if gynecologists sniff their fingers after their patients leave...

16 (Sorry for the late post!)

I went to a classical music concert. A strange thought struck me there. When the entire symphony was playing and it was quite loud I thought "If there was ever a time to fart, it would be now".

15 (automated post)

I always thought it was funny that whenever there is a big controversy about someone being taken off life support, all these christian meat heads pop out of the wood work to say that its not God's plan to take them off of it. When obviously God was trying to kill the person in the first place, but people keep fucking it up.

14: I had one of those moments....

I was on a website and I see a link to an article about "breast stroke". I click it thinking it sounded fun. When the page loaded, I remembered that breast stroke was a swimming thing and was completely unrelated to what I was thinking.

13 (Trying out the scheduled post feature)

Goth girls are really sexy, but its difficult to spend time with them because their music is so bad.

I made a joke that my Dad didn't like. He was eating clam chowder and I told him "Eww, its all white and chunky... it looks like a sorority girl's sunday morning vomit".

12

A bug landed on my monitor. I tried to kill it with my cursor and got confused when it kept moving... I don't know what to make of this.

The other day I was exceptionally hungry. I turned on the television and the food channel was on. I watched that for about ten minutes before I realized I was touching myself.



A question: I am a mega file whore looking for a new MP3 player. I need something 60 or more Gigs, memory cards are alright with me. Preferably non Apple and affordable. Video playback for bonus points. Any suggestions?

11

I was just thinking: "If I were able to produce enough flatus, could I play a brass instrument with my ass?"

I was born weighing over 12 pounds. My Mother still hasn't forgiven me.

10

How about a Jewish porn star? Labia Menorah

I hate it when people 'kiss' their dogs. You're kissing, you're petting it and its naked. I think you just took a dog to second base.

This song is amazing.

9: More free time at school.

I was having lunch and these two rich dudes walked in talking about one guy's vacation. He decribed it as a third world country, The other asked where he lived during his vacation. he said he rented a house for $1600 a week. $1600 a week for a house in a third world country. What a tool.

I found my Dad's stack of bathroom magazines. Its all hunting, firearms and fishing magazines. Not a single tit in the whole stack. Words can not express how disappointed I am in him.

A hypothetical question for my readers.

Some extremely dedicated bodybuilders can gain ~20LBS lean mass in a year. Lets say one were well compensated, totally consenting and it was completely painless for him to have a few pounds of muscle removed. he is in excellent health, free from any illness, non smoking and eats a diet of only whole foods. Would you eat some of the meat if offered? It can be prepared any way you would like. Leave a comment with your answer.

8: a few I thought up at school yesterday

Sorry I have been gone for a bit. I have been feeling really depressed lately and was really busy. But here you go as promised:

I had a question on an exam I did not know the answer to for Political Science. It went "What are the five laws of the land?" I answered "Fire, Earth, Wind, Water, Heart! (This forms Captain Planet)". I got full credit for that answer.

Next girl friend I have, I want to measure my penis and keep a log of my erection size during every encounter. Then I could have data on the over all length of dick she has received. I could make graphs and stuff.

In my Philosophy class, we used Venn diagrams where the two outer circles were white and the inner conjunction was shaded. it reminded me of a white girl spreading ass.

Jewish/Christian/Mulsim creation myths are total crap. But they still make more sense than string theory.

7

I was smoking a square and thinking: Renaissance  fairs are modeled after medieval England, right? Wouldn't it kick ass to have a dozen or so of your homies dress up as vikings and run in there and wreck shit? Give the attendees the real medieval England experience, ya know?

6 and some other crap

You know what would rule? Drunk driving in Africa. Just think of all the cool wildlife you could run over.

Its been accepted for a long time that tobacco and alcohol can cause alot of problems and have appropriate warning labels, but why are they the only products? Shouldn't we warn the public against processed food (cancer of the digestive tract), high fructose corn syrup(diabetes and obesity) and even motuhwash (oral cancer)? All of these have been demonstrated in multiple studies. What do you guys think?

5 and a little QQ

I like to take myself on dates. That way I always get lucky.

My Dad is constantly shitting on everything I do or try to do and it really pisses me off. His parents talked him out of joining the marines almost thirty years ago and he is still butthurt about it to the point he thinks about it everyday. Yet, he is doing the same thing to me and constantly tells me I need to drop out of college and get a job as a prison guard just like him. He is just a guy who doesn't understand how valuable risks are to your long term goals and always does everything 'safe', ya know? He confined himself to a mediocre shit job for life, too afraid to piss anyone off (except me), totally self sacrificing in the worst way (always tries to impose shit on me and not just himself). You guys understand the type I am talking about and why its annoying, amirite?

4

I learned to drive by buying a racing wheel and a copy of need for speed underground. No shit.

3

I turned on my TV today and the Rachel Ray show was on. That cunt needs to get back in the kitchen for real, amirite?

Damned song stuck in my head.

:W: Golgotha

Awful, I know.

Also, I am too noobish to embed videos. Have fun.

2

Whenever I got into the bathroom in between classes, I am tempted to run through and try to high five everyone, just to see how they would respond.

BTW, is has anyone else played Darksiders and Dead Rising 2 yet? They are pretty fun and I recommend them.

1

Have you ever realized that taking a hot shower is like having alot of people pee on you at once?